Why Control Kills Trust

Key Takeaways

• The tighter you grip control to appear confident and capable, the faster trust and team initiative slip away.
  
• Command-and-control leadership drains energy, creativity, and engagement, leaving only compliance and burnout behind.
  
• Pretending to know everything isn’t a strength—it’s isolation; admitting you don’t know builds credibility and connection.
  
• Leading with questions, listening fully, and sharing ownership inspire teams to contribute ideas and take responsibility.
  
• When curiosity replaces control, trust grows, results improve, and both leaders and teams feel lighter and more capable.

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In leadership, control is a trust killer, plain and simple. The more you tighten your grip with a command-and-control style, the more trust and morale slip through your fingers. It’s no surprise that only 21% of U.S. employees strongly trust their organization’s leadership. Leaders who cling to having all the answers ultimately lose the confidence and engagement of their teams, along with the results they’re after.

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“The more you tighten your grip with a command-and-control style, the more trust and morale slip through your fingers.”

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Under Pressure, You Double Down On Control Because You Think You’re Supposed To Have All The Answers

When the pressure is on, it’s natural to double down on control. You feel the weight of expectations – after all, you’re the leader, so aren’t you supposed to have all the answers? Many high performers have been conditioned to believe that showing uncertainty equals weakness. So under stress, you instinctively tighten your grip: you micromanage details, dictate decisions, and try to personally steer every outcome. In your mind, this all-knowing, take-charge approach seems like the only way to prevent failure. You’ve likely seen other leaders do the same, projecting confidence even when they’re unsure. By trying to know it all and control it all, you aim to reassure everyone (including yourself) that you’ve got things covered. It feels like your duty to be the mountain of certainty in the chaos.

The intention here isn’t malicious – you care about results. But this “I’ve got all the answers” act is a heavy burden. Internally, it ramps up your stress. Externally, it sends a message to your team (even if you don’t realize it): I don’t trust you to help solve this. You double down on control, thinking it will save the day, because that’s what you believe a strong leader does under pressure. Unfortunately, you’re about to find out how this strategy plays out in reality.

That All-Knowing, Command-And-Control Style Backfires As Your Team Disengages And Trust Starts To Evaporate

Before long, the cracks begin to show. That all-knowing leadership style backfires, your team starts to disengage, and the trust you had begins to evaporate. Why? Because when you run everything through command and control, people don’t feel valued or heard. Team members who are sidelined or overruled eventually stop sharing ideas. They figure, “Why bother? The boss will decide anyway.” Initiative fades, communication withers, and a culture of yes-men (or silent bystanders) takes hold. In trying to enforce obedience, you’ve inadvertently created a fear-driven atmosphere where employees keep their heads down.

The irony is that by grasping for control, you actually lose control of the team’s energy and goodwill. Trust erodes with each top-down decree. In fact, command-and-control leaders often create the very problems they fear, like disloyalty, disengagement, and low performance. Your team might comply on the surface, but beneath that compliance is growing resentment and apathy. They no longer trust that you have their best interests at heart, because you haven’t trusted them with any autonomy. As one leadership coach put it, command-and-control leaders are eroding trust that can never be rebuilt. People may still do their jobs, but they do so reluctantly, without the enthusiasm or creativity that drives great results. In the worst cases, high performers start eyeing the exit. The very leadership move meant to protect the business ends up undermining it, as engagement plummets and true loyalty disappears.

Sooner Or Later, You Hit A Wall And See That Pretending To Know It All Is The Real Weakness

Eventually, this approach hits a dead end. Sooner or later, you slam into a wall of reality: despite all your controlling, things still go wrong – and now your team isn’t inclined to help fix it. It might happen in a moment of crisis or just through mounting disappointments, but at some point, the truth becomes unavoidable. You realize that pretending to know it all was never a real strength; it was a liability. While you were busy projecting certainty, the world kept changing, and problems grew too complex for one person to solve. By shutting out your team’s input, you blinded yourself to warning signs and alternative solutions. The “weakness” you tried so hard to hide was never the real issue. The real weakness was the refusal to admit it.

This epiphany can be humbling. You might recognize it in hindsight: your “master plan” unravelled the second the market changed, or a project failed because you missed insights from those closest to the work. In my own journey, I saw my business struggle under my so-called visionary leadership. I had insisted on steering every decision, only to watch my best-laid plans fall apart and my team’s morale sink. It became clear that my insistence on always being right was holding everyone back. This moment of truth is tough for any leader, but it’s also liberating. You finally see that acting invincible doesn’t make you invincible. Admitting “I don’t know it all” isn’t a weakness; it’s the first step to becoming a stronger leader.

You Begin Leading With Questions Instead Of Commands, And Your Team Actually Starts To Step Up

With ego out of the way, a better approach emerges. You begin leading with questions instead of commands, and something surprising happens: your team actually starts to step up. It often starts small, you catch yourself in a meeting and, instead of barking orders, you ask, “What do you think we should do here?” At first, your team may be skeptical, but as they see you genuinely listening, they come alive. By asking questions, you invite them into the problem-solving process. You show that their ideas matter. And when people feel heard and trusted, they respond by taking more ownership.

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“By leading with curiosity, you’ve signaled that it’s safe to contribute, and your team delivers.”

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Practically, this shift means you’re spending more time in dialogue and less time in monologue. You pose challenges and let your team weigh in on solutions. You might set the vision or define the problem, but you resist the urge to dictate the answer. Instead of saying “Here’s what we’ll do,” you ask, “How might we tackle this?” or “What are we missing?” At first, it might feel like you’re giving up control, but you soon realize you’re gaining something far more powerful. Your employees begin to rise to the occasion. They bring fresh ideas you hadn’t considered. They collaborate rather than wait for instructions. In short, they step up. By leading with curiosity, you’ve signaled that it’s safe to contribute, and your team delivers. This not only lightens your load, but it also builds their confidence and competence. Together, you start turning challenges into opportunities, because now everyone is engaged in finding the answers, not just you.

In The End, Trust And Results Soar Once You Stop Controlling And Start Leading With Curiosity

Over time, the payoff becomes clear: once you let go of controlling and start leading with curiosity, trust and results both soar. The atmosphere of fear and compliance is replaced by one of trust and empowerment. People see that you trust them enough to involve them, and they reciprocate by trusting you more as a leader. That mutual trust translates into concrete gains. Team members who trust their leader are more motivated, more creative, and more willing to go the extra mile. In fact, research shows that high-trust companies report 50% higher productivity and 76% higher employee engagement than low-trust companies. Think about that: by swapping control for trust, you unlock more than just feel-good vibes; you unlock significantly better performance.

The results speak for themselves. Problems get solved faster because people aren’t afraid to speak up or take initiative. Innovation accelerates because folks at every level contribute ideas. Employee engagement shoots up – instead of doing the bare minimum, your team is invested in the mission. And as a leader, you’re no longer firefighting alone or carrying the unrealistic burden of being infallible. You can focus on steering the ship strategically, while your crew handles the oars with confidence. Trust becomes the default mode of operation. When you lead with curiosity, asking and listening more than telling, you create a culture of trust where everyone thrives, and the numbers will back that up. Simply put, letting go of control isn’t just about feeling better; it delivers better results.

What Curious As Hell Leadership Unlocks In The Workplace

Adopting a Curious as Hell leadership approach flips the script in your workplace, turning it into an environment where both people and performance thrive. Instead of a top-down hierarchy of compliance, you build a culture of collaboration and ownership. Trust is no longer an abstract ideal; it becomes a day-to-day reality. Team members feel safe to voice ideas and concerns, knowing they won’t be shot down. As a result, you get a wealth of perspectives driving smarter decisions. Engagement rises naturally – people who feel valued and heard are far more likely to be motivated in their work. This approach transforms accountability too: rather than waiting for the boss’s directions, employees hold themselves accountable to the goals they helped shape. The workplace starts humming with positive energy, innovation, and mutual respect. Problems are addressed openly and creatively, not swept under the rug out of fear. In short, curiosity-led leadership unlocks a level of team performance that control never could.

For you as the leader, this shift is equally game-changing. Embracing curiosity in place of control releases you from the impossible pressure of having to be right all the time. You become more of a coach and facilitator than a taskmaster, which is a far more sustainable (and enjoyable) way to lead. Challenges don’t all fall on your shoulders alone – you have a team of empowered problem-solvers working with you. That means you can focus on strategic priorities and big-picture vision, rather than micromanaging or constantly putting out fires. It’s a leadership style grounded in confidence without ego: you’re secure enough to ask for input and humble enough to admit when you don’t know something. Paradoxically, this makes you more credible and effective in your team’s eyes. They see a leader who trusts them and is committed to learning and growing alongside them. The benefits ripple outward – higher retention, a stronger culture, and a reputation as a place where people can do their best work. By leading with curiosity, you unlock not just better results, but a healthier, more resilient workplace where everyone – including you – can thrive.

Common Questions About Why Control Kills Trust

Every leader making the shift from command-and-control to a trust-based approach has questions. It’s a significant change in mindset, and it’s normal to wonder how it all works in practice. Below, we address some of the most common questions about moving away from a controlling leadership style and towards one rooted in trust and curiosity. These answers will help ground the concepts above into actionable insights you can use in your own leadership journey. Remember, great leadership isn’t about having all the answers upfront; it’s about asking the right questions and continuously learning. 

What is a command-and-control leadership style?

A command-and-control leadership style is a top-down approach where the leader makes all the important decisions and issues directives for others to follow. In this style, the leader closely controls operations, often through strict rules, micromanagement, and a clear chain of command. Creativity and input from the team are de-emphasized; employees are expected to execute rather than question. While this approach can create order in the short term or in crises, it often comes at the cost of team morale and flexibility. Over time, a command-and-control style tends to reduce innovation and trust, because team members feel their autonomy is limited and their expertise underutilized.

Why does command-and-control leadership erode trust?

Command-and-control leadership erodes trust because it sends a clear signal to employees that you don’t trust them. When a leader dictates every move and refuses to delegate or listen, team members feel disempowered and skeptical of leadership’s intentions. This style often creates a fear-based environment – people worry about making mistakes or speaking up, which undermines open communication. Trust in leadership requires a sense of safety and respect, and a controlling approach provides neither. Instead, employees become guarded and disengaged, assuming that any mistake could be punished or any idea ignored. In essence, trust breaks down because the relationship becomes one-way and transactional: the leader commands, and the followers comply. Without mutual respect and empowerment, there’s little foundation for genuine trust.

How can a leader build trust within their team?

Building trust as a leader starts with demonstrating trust in your team. First, communicate openly and transparently, share your vision, challenges, and even uncertainties, so people see your honesty and humanity. Follow through on your commitments, as consistency and reliability are key to trust. Just as important, give your team ownership: delegate meaningful responsibilities and show that you have confidence in their abilities. Encourage input and actively listen to their ideas and concerns; when employees feel heard, they feel valued. Also, be willing to admit mistakes and acknowledge when you don’t know something – this vulnerability actually strengthens trust, because it shows authenticity. Over time, these behaviours create a culture where your team members trust your integrity and believe that you trust and respect them in return.

What does it mean to lead with curiosity?

Leading with curiosity means approaching your role as a leader as a constant learner and question-asker rather than a know-it-all authority. In practice, it means asking insightful questions, seeking to understand different perspectives, and encouraging your team to explore new ideas. Instead of issuing edicts, a curious leader might say, “How can we improve this process?” or “What do you suggest?” and genuinely consider the responses. This style values open dialogue, experimentation, and adaptability. It also means being curious about people, taking the time to understand your team members’ strengths, motivations, and even their concerns. By leading with curiosity, you create an atmosphere where it’s normal to challenge assumptions and dig deeper into problems. The result is often more innovative solutions, a more engaged team, and a leader who is continually growing alongside their people.

How can leaders shift from a command-and-control approach to a more empowering style?

Shifting away from command-and-control begins with a conscious decision to let go of the tight grip and involve others more. Start by gradually delegating tasks or decisions that you would have previously controlled, give clear guidelines, but then step back and let your team execute in their own way. Practice asking questions before giving answers; for example, in your next meeting, resist the urge to immediately offer your solution and instead invite two or three team members to share their ideas first. It’s also important to set the right context: explain to your team that you want to empower them and that you value their input. As you implement this change, be patient and consistent. Old habits (both yours and your team’s) won’t vanish overnight, so acknowledge any awkwardness and keep at it. Additionally, work on your response when things go wrong – avoid the instinct to snatch back control. Instead, treat mistakes as learning opportunities and discuss them openly with the team. Over time, these practices will rewire your leadership style from one of control to one of trust and collaboration, and you’ll notice your team growing more confident and capable as a result.

Embracing a trust-driven, curiosity-led style of leadership isn’t always easy, especially if you’ve spent years in a more controlling mode. But as these questions and answers illustrate, the shift is both feasible and immensely rewarding. By shedding the urge to control everything, you make room to lead through trust. Your employees become more engaged and proactive, your workplace culture becomes healthier, and your organization becomes more adaptable and innovative. In the end, letting go of the need to have all the answers opens the door for your team to shine and for you to grow into the kind of leader who inspires genuine loyalty. That’s the kind of leadership people want to rally behind, and it all starts when you replace control with curiosity.

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